12 Tips for Parents

It’s not that I consider myself a tremendous fount of wisdom (although I sometimes do, particularly when I’ve eaten too much chocolate and feel invincible). It’s simply that by dint of keeping my eyes and ears open, I occasionally Make Astute Observations. I am now going to share an assortment of these Astute Observations with the amazingly lucky parents who are reading this column. And yes, I am humble, thanks for asking!

In no particular order. Here we go.

1. Make your children take music lessons for at least two years. Stay on top of them to make them practice. Weigh the future carefully when deciding to stop music lessons in favor of another activity. As a music teacher, I have heard so many adults lament that they wished they had stuck with music lessons as a child. I have never heard any adult lament that they wish they had spent more time as a kid playing volleyball or learning mime on the church drama team.

2. Apologize when you do or say something wrong. It is better to err on the side of apologizing too much instead of apologizing too little. Even if what you did was completely right, if your child comes to you and says you hurt their feelings, tell them you are sorry that you hurt their feelings. This is not an admission of guilt on your part. It is simply a statement of fact, because you are sorry that their feelings are hurt. You weren’t trying to hurt them. You were simply trying to do what was best for your child and you are grieved to know that their feelings were wounded in the process. Finish by giving your child a hug.

3. Throwing money at a situation is not a substitute for parental involvement. I have seen parents enroll their children in expensive specialty classes, pay for extra-long lessons with a private instructor, or buy an abundance of pricey learning materials and tools in an effort to turn their child into the perfect child. That’s fine, but if what is really needed is parental accountability and enforcement, paying more money doesn’t fix the problem.

4. Grammar matters. No really, it does. In this age of online communication, how you use the written word can greatly contribute (positively or negatively) to the impression that people have of you. Your children might grow up to be little Einsteins, but if they cannot spell or construct a sentence properly in writing, they are going to be marginalized. Barring legitimate learning issues such as dyslexia, every child should receive extensive training in spelling, punctuation and grammar.

5. Turn off the TV. Really. Turn it off.

6. Skip the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Boys and girls have been interested in each other since time began and they often start noticing each long before they’re old enough to consider marriage. Why encourage it? Your 13-year-old daughter and your friend’s 14-year-old son might have a crush on each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it seriously or legitimize the “relationship” by winking indulgently at them, referring to “my daughter’s boyfriend,” or letting them talk on the phone for hours. There is no point in pre-teens or teens having a “special” relationship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are old enough to seriously consider marriage. At best, it either adds needless emotional complexities to their lives or calls out a tremendous amount of silliness in them. At worst, it can lead to temptations that they do not have the maturity to resist well.

7. Praise your children in public. Don’t criticize or belittle your children in public.

8. Don’t pass the buck. Your child is a child and therefore needs accountability and oversight. He is not magically going to become a perfectly thoughtful, responsible and self-disciplined adult by himself. Yes, if he is not acting in a mature fashion, he is usually responsible for his actions (depending on his age). However, as the parent, you are responsible if you do not intervene and help him to behave better. Parents who do nothing but sit back and blame their child for acting like a child are being just as irresponsible as the child himself.

9. Teens and pre-teens should read an etiquette book every couple of years. The advice contained therein will help them relationally and professionally their entire lives.

10. If you are unhappy with the choices your children are making, take action. If they are not yet old enough to vote and they are living in your home on your nickel, you have every right to step in and set boundaries when you see them making unwise decisions. While you should be sure to have some heart-to-heart philosophical conversations (where you do as much listening as talking), at the end of the day you are the parent. Don’t be afraid to act like it. You are the gatekeeper. If you don’t like what they’re watching, get rid of the TV and put a password on the Internet connection. If you don’t like what they’re listening to, clean off their iPod or take it from them for awhile. If you don’t like who they are hanging out with, stop chauffeuring them to places where they encounter the wrong crowd. If you don’t like what they’re reading, throw it away. This may not make you very popular, but your job isn’t to be popular. It’s to do what is best for your children.

11. Teach your children to value and appreciate the differences between men and women. Many women grow into adulthood and fail to appreciate masculine strengths. If a man isn’t “sensitive” enough or can’t read their mind, he’s off their list. Many men grow into adulthood and fail to appreciate feminine strengths. If a woman isn’t athletic or outdoorsy, she’s off their list. This is foolish. Men and women are different and it is foolish to expect a man in a woman’s body or a woman in a man’s body.

12. Put Jesus at the center of your household. Some people prioritize rules and fall into legalism. Some people prioritize “Christian liberty” and wander off the path. Some people prioritize family relationships and neglect the most important one of all, Jesus Christ. Some people prioritize good works and lose connection with the Source of Life. Only when God Himself and your relationship with Him is the cornerstone of your household can you and your children truly walk in the light. 

Written by Raquelle Sheen

The Top Ten Mistakes of New Homeschoolers

Okay, I’ll admit up front that I am unmarried and have no children. What could I possibly know about mistakes new homeschoolers make? I’m just a pipsqueak!

My list of credentials is short but Very Weighty. (Every pipsqueak thinks their credentials are Very Weighty.) I was homeschooled my entire life. My parents have helped run support groups and state homeschooling organizations in several states. I’ve watched many homeschooling families and seen some run very successful homeschools and others crash and burn. By dint of keeping my eyes and ears open and using my Acute and Intuitive Perception (pipsqueaks always think they have Acute and Intuitive Perception), I have compiled a reasonable list of common errors that trap new homeschoolers. Kindly be impressed!

Error #1: Viewing academics as primary. Actually, homeschooling is first and foremost about character education. Raising an intellectual genius is pointless if he is lazy, rebellious, thinks humanistically, and lacks integrity, right? Some of the world’s wickedest men were very smart. But so what? They were evil. You are not just training your children’s minds, you are training their whole lives. When any proposed activity or learning opportunity comes your way, first ask “What will this do for Johnny’s character?” Then, and only then, ask what it does for his intellect.

Error #2: Having unrealistic expectations. You know the rosy picture…crisp clean books, a spotless house, a never-violated schedule, and smiling children who like nothing better than dividing 34,867 by 253 and converting it from cubic centimeters to cubic miles. Better yet is the picture of you—the cheerful, patient parent who excels at communication and makes school delightfully fun at all times. Sure, that’s a great goal. You’ll probably have a few days like that. But you’ll have more days when you overslept and the house is cluttery and the baby is sick and you burned the toast and everyone is cranky, including (or especially) you. That happens to everyone! The point is not to have a perfect homeschool—the point is to persevere even when it’s NOT perfect.

Error #3: Creating a school-home. Many new homeschoolers set out to copy the traditional classroom exactly. They have desks, a chalkboard, a set period for each subject and a scheduled recess. They do report cards. They stand at the front of the classroom and lecture. They make their children raise their hands before asking questions. Some even make their children call them “Mr.” and “Mrs.” instead of Mom or Dad.

Many of these things are done in traditional classrooms primarily for crowd control. But you’re not in a traditional classroom anymore! You’re home! Use the kitchen table! Have recess based on the children’s needs, not the clock. Forget report cards—they are designed to tell parents how their child is doing and you already know how they’re doing! Instead of lecturing at the front of the classroom, sit on the couch and talk over the material together. Institute hand-raising only if you desperately need to. And for goodness sake, let your children call you Mom or Dad!

Be careful about asking professional teachers for advice about structuring your homeschool. Professional teachers typically only think in the paradigm of the formal classroom. But you don’t have a formal classroom, you have a home. So ask homemakers for advice—other seasoned homeschooling families.

Error #4: Doing every assignment and test in the books. There is no law, regulation, or tax shelter that requires you to make your children do every single assignment or test in the curriculum. Curriculum providers purposely provide lots of questions and tests and suggested assignments to give you as many options as possible. But they are just that—options. Feel free to pick and choose. Don’t burn yourself or your children out by giving them repeated or “duh” assignments on material they already know.

Error #5: Not trusting your judgment. Most new homeschoolers lack confidence and frequently second-guess themselves and feel obligated to do what the “experts” say. Remember, your children are unique individuals. You as a parent know them best. Stop worrying about methods and what Dr. So-and-So (or your neighbor) says. Pray for wisdom and trust your common sense. Sure, ask advice if you need it. But remember that you are the expert on your children.

Error #6: Copying everyone else. This goes hand-in-hand with Error #5. If your friend has a wonderful homeschool and uses XYZ curriculum, it does not automatically follow that your children will also thrive on that curriculum. They might, but they might not. Slow down and mentally assess your children’s needs, strengths and weaknesses and choose a curriculum that works for them.

Error #7: Assuming that co-ops and video/satellite schools are superior. Co-ops and video/satellite schools sound great to many hesitant first-time homeschoolers. However, these are rarely optimal choices. Co-ops intrude greatly on your time and remove the highly desirable 1-1 teacher-student ratio. Video/satellite schools can be very demanding, inflexible, and time wasting. Why make your children sit there and watch the ins and outs of someone else’s classroom (handing out papers, answering “duh” questions, etc.) when they could read the book and answer the questions themselves? Why let someone else disciple your children when you could do it yourself?

Error #8: Not reading books. There are countless book written by fellow homeschoolers who have been down the road you are on now. Don’t assume that because you read one book and attend support group meetings that you know everything there is to know. Read, read, read! Learn from the mistakes and advice of others! If you have to turn off your television or get off the computer to make time for this reading, do. You will find it more profitable.

Error #9: Looking back. Homeschooling requires commitment. Stop casting a wistful eye on other school choices and thinking about how much easier your neighbors have it. You chose to homeschool because you thought it was best for your child, right? Good. Then, having put your hand to the plow, don’t look back! Do your best and enjoy the journey. Too many homeschoolers develop a “woe-is-me” attitude and over-focus on aaaaaaaaall the sacrifices they’ve made and how much they’d love to “get away” from their kids and have some me time. These thoughts create immediate discontent. Put them from your mind and thank God for His blessings in giving you your children in the first place and using you to mold them and them to mold you. Then feed the kids a healthy snack (eat one yourself too!) and send them outside to play for ten minutes. You’ll probably feel much better!

Error #10: Too much peer time. Kids don’t need a peer group in order to become a mature, well-socialized adult. They need a family. They need interaction with all ages, especially adults. Too much time with their peers makes them peer-dependant (no kidding!), less likely to think for themselves, and much more susceptible to following foolish fads and opinions. Limit peer time and opt for family time!

I thought about adding an Error #11, that of not listening to the advice of Very Weightily-Credentialed homeschooled pipsque—uh, graduates. But my Acute and Intuitive Perception concluded that that would be considered presumptuous.

Written by Raquelle Sheen