It’s not that I consider
myself a tremendous fount of wisdom (although I sometimes do, particularly when
I’ve eaten too much chocolate and feel invincible). It’s simply that by dint of
keeping my eyes and ears open, I occasionally Make Astute Observations. I am
now going to share an assortment of these Astute Observations with the
amazingly lucky parents who are reading this column. And yes, I am humble, thanks for asking!
In no particular order. Here we go.
1. Make your children take music
lessons for at least two years. Stay on top of them to make them practice.
Weigh the future carefully when deciding to stop music lessons in favor of
another activity. As a music teacher, I have heard so many adults lament that
they wished they had stuck with music lessons as a child. I have never heard any adult lament that they wish they had
spent more time as a kid playing volleyball or learning mime on the church
drama team.
2. Apologize when you do or say
something wrong. It is better to err on the side of apologizing too much
instead of apologizing too little. Even if what you did was completely right,
if your child comes to you and says you hurt their feelings, tell them you are
sorry that you hurt their feelings. This is not an admission of guilt on your
part. It is simply a statement of fact, because you are sorry that their feelings are hurt. You weren’t trying to hurt
them. You were simply trying to do what was best for your child and you are
grieved to know that their feelings were wounded in the process. Finish by giving
your child a hug.
3. Throwing money at a situation
is not a substitute for parental involvement. I have seen parents enroll their
children in expensive specialty classes, pay for extra-long lessons with a
private instructor, or buy an abundance of pricey learning materials and tools
in an effort to turn their child into the perfect child. That’s fine, but if
what is really needed is parental accountability and enforcement, paying more
money doesn’t fix the problem.
4. Grammar matters. No really,
it does. In this age of online communication, how you use the written word can
greatly contribute (positively or negatively) to the impression that people
have of you. Your children might grow up to be little Einsteins, but if they
cannot spell or construct a sentence properly in writing, they are going to be
marginalized. Barring legitimate learning issues such as dyslexia, every child
should receive extensive training in spelling, punctuation and grammar.
5. Turn off the TV. Really. Turn it off.
6. Skip the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Boys and girls have been
interested in each other since time began and they often start noticing each
long before they’re old enough to consider marriage. Why encourage it? Your
13-year-old daughter and your friend’s 14-year-old son might have a crush on
each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it seriously or legitimize
the “relationship” by winking indulgently at them, referring to “my daughter’s
boyfriend,” or letting them talk on the phone for hours. There is no point in
pre-teens or teens having a “special” relationship with someone of the opposite
sex unless they are old enough to seriously consider marriage. At best, it
either adds needless emotional complexities to their lives or calls out a
tremendous amount of silliness in them. At worst, it can lead to temptations
that they do not have the maturity to resist well.
7. Praise your children in
public. Don’t criticize or belittle your children in public.
8. Don’t pass the buck. Your
child is a child and therefore needs accountability and oversight. He is not magically
going to become a perfectly thoughtful, responsible and self-disciplined adult
by himself. Yes, if he is not acting in a mature fashion, he is usually
responsible for his actions (depending on his age). However, as the parent, you
are responsible if you do not intervene and help him to behave better. Parents
who do nothing but sit back and blame their child for acting like a child are
being just as irresponsible as the child himself.
9. Teens and pre-teens should
read an etiquette book every couple of years. The advice contained therein will
help them relationally and professionally their entire lives.
10. If you are unhappy with the
choices your children are making, take action. If they are not yet old enough
to vote and they are living in your home on your nickel, you have every right
to step in and set boundaries when you see them making unwise decisions. While
you should be sure to have some heart-to-heart philosophical conversations
(where you do as much listening as talking), at the end of the day you are the
parent. Don’t be afraid to act like it. You are the gatekeeper. If you don’t
like what they’re watching, get rid of the TV and put a password on the
Internet connection. If you don’t like what they’re listening to, clean off
their iPod or take it from them for awhile. If you don’t like who they are
hanging out with, stop chauffeuring them to places where they encounter the
wrong crowd. If you don’t like what they’re reading, throw it away. This may
not make you very popular, but your job isn’t to be popular. It’s to do what is
best for your children.
11. Teach your children to value
and appreciate the differences between men and women. Many women grow into
adulthood and fail to appreciate masculine strengths. If a man isn’t
“sensitive” enough or can’t read their mind, he’s off their list. Many men grow
into adulthood and fail to appreciate feminine strengths. If a woman isn’t
athletic or outdoorsy, she’s off their list. This is foolish. Men and women are
different and it is foolish to expect a man in a woman’s body or a woman in a
man’s body.
12. Put Jesus at the center of
your household. Some people prioritize rules and fall into legalism. Some
people prioritize “Christian liberty” and wander off the path. Some people
prioritize family relationships and neglect the most important one of all, Jesus
Christ. Some people prioritize good works and lose connection with the Source
of Life. Only when God Himself and your relationship with Him is the
cornerstone of your household can you and your children truly walk in the
light.
Written by Raquelle Sheen
